Sometimes seeing a sign IS "The Sign"

If there's one thing I want more than anything in my life it's to be a father. I fight tooth and nail when people say I would be good at it because its always scared me a lot. I know the amount of strength I pull from my dad on a pretty much daily basis and its staggering. It scares me to death to think about being that person for someone(s).

But for each bit it scares me there are two bits that beat that one up and say, "We've got this." I spend time with so many people, especially recently, who are moving on to the point in life of settling down into adult and parenthood and it gets to me deep in my heart. They have homes coming together, kids either being born or growing older and it brings them endless hours of exhaustion and pride that is obvious in their entire demeanor.

It occurred to me again tonight when I saw a couple friends in their home while we hung out. I could look around and see toys piled together after kids were done playing with them and art they had made for mom and dad and I started to think about the future and how excited I would be to hear that I had a little guy or girl coming. I know, I know; I'm only 24 and its pretty fucking early to feel this way. But hearing people say how good you would be, seeing evidence of how satisfying it is and just...knowing myself and how I work, I can tell that if it happens soon that I would charge ahead. Teach that kid every nerdy hobby of mine he wants to learn and every sport or piece of information he wants to know.

I still desperately want to becoming involved in English and becoming published but I feel like I had to really type this down to let it sink in. There's a tie now and it's not going to change.

Till next time!

"Ted Mosby"

The mind is an interesting place.

I've had the opportunity recently to be in the company of a ton of creative minds who are also pretty accomplished. It was staggering to say the least. I feel like I've been coming into my own as a writer recently and that has been wonderful. Making strides in writing on schedule, outlining in more detail than a quick jot or two, researching settings and ideas and branching my reading selections far out of my norm have all helped me grow.

However, there is no feeling like sitting down at a table with people who are in the midst of living your, and their, dream. These people who have been fully published, travel for their work and received any number of awards that are received because of the quality of their work just couldn't be overlooked. To me, sharing a drink and conversation with that group of people was an honor, a privilege and was very nearly enough to knock me into silence. Usually I'm able to be loud, opinionated and unafraid of joining in any conversation with any group I'm with which makes me happy and is a core part of my person. However, there was a point in time while I took a drink of my beer as I listened on to the flurry of topics and conversation going on that I felt intimidated. That I wasn't quite accomplished enough to speak up and should instead just sit back and take in what was going on before me.

That's a brand new feeling for me. Most people who know me could attest that I'll join into a conversation whether or not I end up sounding stupid. I like the back and forth that a natural conversation can inspire in a group of like minded people because it's so rare. Like being in the eye of a storm where there is a perfect ebb and flow, nothing spirals apart and ideas are shared without being casually contested then thrown away. So I took in the feeling of being...a midget surrounded by giants and let it run its course for a few minutes. I say a few minutes because that is how long it was until my brain went on autopilot, ignoring my apprehensions, and delved into a topic of which character would best another, what the scenario and rules would be and other microcosmic stipulations.

That feeling lingered in my mind as the group broke up for the night and we all went our separate ways towards home. I imagine it always will when I'm able to join a group of people who are further along this twisting and turning road of creativity and expression. However, I'm glad that my instincts were able to fight away my minds fears and show a bit of my personality to that eclectic group of people. And I'm likely to keep the feelings of being honored and privileged for quite some time because it's such a rarity that I get to enjoy that kind of situation. I was already set on this being my career before that night but now I feel galvanized to continue. These people are all from Topeka and have all been able to realize the dream and that helps confirm that I can do it too. It'll be a long road but it's not an impossibility. Just have to keep moving and hope that one day I can inspire the feeling in others that a few hours of beer and conversation with that group inspired in me.

Till next time!

Back in the saddle

I talked about meeting with people somewhat recently to share my work. That's going well for me but I'm still hoping for headway into any kind of publication. Until then, I'm going to use this post to share the poem they've all enjoyed the most.

EDIT - I didn't realize when I posted this that I hadn't cut off the second poem. Apologies for that and I've broken them into separate pieces so you enjoy them both!

Standing on top of the world

Lights flashing, cars moving

People bustling from place to place without a care

Never stopping, constantly in motion

I can finally see my life for what it is

To the left of me lies the past

Covered windows, children crying

Being abused, both mentally and physically

Yet I still see hope and determination

Strength to rise above what they're expected to become

To become a better person, a better man, a better father

In front of me lies an outline, a blueprint of things to come

A path yet to be blazed, with two distinct possibilities

I can see the break in it, with two separate directions

One leading back towards the left, to become what is expected of me

And one to the right, towards bright lights emanating change

And to the right is a path covered by brightness

Sight seen, yet sight unseen

There will be a change here, a leap from the pain

This path leads towards the ultimate reward

To the final fulfillment of a boyhood dream

I began to walk down that path today

Towards change, a new beginning

Finally, fully, accepting that I could escape my past

By taking a leap of faith

By embracing my future

-----------------------

Suspension of disbelief, a second held in the hands of time

Faith restored by one action, a simple wave.

Fingers twirled once

Eyes dance with dreams of things to come

Dreams of time spent together, no longer alone

To her, it's only a simple gesture

You're someone close to the heart, to the soul

The wave is simple to her; a gesture

Compared to the feelings curling inside of her, thoughts in her mind

You've found the inimitable

Love has come; it has broken the anger, the hate

With a simple wave, a second in time, hope is alive again

The second passes, time releases its hold

Fingers close into a fist

You walk to her, feet powered by raw emotion

You are hers, she is yours

It's hope, forgiveness, patience, and acceptance.

Love is your religion.

Love is faith. 

Till next time.

They really like me!

These past few weeks have been...something! Been trying hard to stick to the resolutions I set for myself (like most people in January) and settling into this new schedule. It's been a bit of an adjustment to try and make everything flow together and I'm still working on the kinks of the whole thing but I'm enjoying myself and the challenges. I got to see a large group of people I hadn't in a quite a big chunk of time this past weekend and that was great. Enjoyed some casual conversation, good laughs and drinks. It was a pretty odd experience to take a seat later in the evening and realize that we aren't getting any younger.

I posted that on my Facebook not that long ago. That I was reminded we're all getting older. I've talked about it, both vaguely and more direct, in a few posts so far. However, it's one thing to say and another to see in motion. It's not remotely a bad thing (you're as old as you feel!) but when it's noticeable in front of your face it can hit you like a cold burst of water. It doesn't even feel that long ago that I was roaming the halls of school acting like a stupid, punk kid. Now it's all about bills, work, relationships and all of the other things aging brings to your attention.

Not that I'm getting anywhere close to advanced age or anything like that. It's just something I never really kept too much of an eye on that has now jumped in front of me and is forcing me to take notice. With that in mind recently I've been trying to collect all the various things I've written from all of my journals and computers to put onto one central space. Ideally, I'd organize them after cleaning up any prose, form, grammar or plot mistakes and get everything looking good to send out. I've started work on that front on my main PC and it's going great! I sent out some samples recently and got the first batch back around the beginning of the month. The few short stories were looked at, covered in red pen and sent back to hit the drawing board again. However! The poetry I had kind of just thrown in? Was labeled as close to perfect as I was likely to make it. And compared to Robert Frost to boot!

That has been a lightning rod for my bits of courage and inspiration to shoot at. This bit of work I had just thought would be demolished is highly complimented? I -am- doing something right! Not even a year ago I would've been too timid to share my work as openly as I have been. Then last year happened and a little bit of stubborness and the want to be bold hit me and I sent out all this stuff. I was nervous about doing it, worried while it was away being reviewed and a bit terrified to open the letter containing all the editted work. It took me a couple days but now I feel like I can, and should, move forward more and more. Who would've thought that growing up would entail years as hard as the last and that it would foster courage and help me move on and take more risks.

I'm sad that these things had happened in 2012 but I'm glad that there was a silver lining, of a sort, for me to find. I'm going to continue to write and send it out for people to see and my fear be damned! I want to do this for my family and myself. I hope that everyones 2013 starts great and is filled with opprotunity! As corny as it can sometime sound you can, and should, seize the day!

Till next time,

2012 is over! Long live 2012?

I always feel odd calling it 'last year' so soon after the striking of midnight on New Year's Eve. For the sake of some expediency and a bit of laziness? I'm gonna roll with it for this blog post. So, last year was a carnival ride of ups and downs for myself and a lot of the people around me. Not the good carnival ride either but one of those broken down rides that Topeka trots out in front of the Expo Centre every year to pass off as new and exciting. Y'know, paint is dingy and old, squeaks that make every rider wonder if they're about to go through a Final Destination moment while looking at a down and out carny worker who doesn't really know much outside of starting the ride and letting it run.

But I digress, the last year forced a lot of my circle to face a few harsh truths that time shows you. Talking to a friend the other day I realized that as you get older you see more and more of the awfulness that exists in the world. You're forced to shoulder more and more burden as the people who did it before you pass into an age where it's not their weight anymore. In every family (generally) it seems like there is one person who has to really take the brunt of these responsibilities. Keeping an eye out for the people close to you for their own good, scheduling and organizing the hard meetings and appointments that have to happen and being the emotional pillar for the people who need you.

This year? It was a battle and more than most. But that talk? That talk and the events of the year opened my eyes to the fact that this is one of the truest tests of 'becoming an adult.' Sure, learning to pay your own taxes, care for your own bills and be autonomous are all things that come with the package deal of being adult. But, facing down the harsh reality of the world around you and the world at large and seeing that all of these awful, awful things are coming as an inevitability and you just have to shoulder it as best you can, one at a time? That's the real make or break for being ushered into adulthood. And 2012 brought that test hard and fast to a lot of us. The people I surround myself with have either dealt with this and survived to be strong again or have had their test this year and survived. I felt like I've truly had my fight in the adult arena this year and come out with some scars but alive. 

I think you can tell a bit of where you are in life if you can sit with friends and friends of friends and just look and listen. If they're on and on about something trivial and essentially small potatoes in the grand scheme? Then they haven't had this test yet or are in on some grand scale acting classes. If you have that moment of clarity and can see and hear that the people around you are moving forward with the burdens on their back without letting the weight crush them? You're in good company.

This year, 2013? I plan on appreciating the people around me who've endured these tests and have the strength to persevere. To enjoy their advice, company and lended strength if I need a head while I return the favor in their time of need. This year is all about seeing the good things in my life and appreciating what they truly mean while I ready my shoulders for the weight of the world, one rock at a time.

Till next time.

Jumping the gun a bit.

I want to be able to make myself accountable for some New Years Resolutions for once and figured writing them out here (and early) would help me out. So, not gonna write so much on this post. Sorry to all of my four readers! Haha.

1. Make more time to get out and exercise on a plan. I've gotten really complacent in a very sedentary life style and it's time to turn that around. Along with this it's time to drop sodas and eating off the diet.

2. Begin shipping out more and more writing for editting. Also look for a place to get my foot in the door to work with someone on getting published on a wider scale.

3. Settle down all my travel plans early. Set aside a bit more money, set up lodging plans and whatever bookings we'll need.

4. Stop being so Mosby. I get the connection but I need to not spend until my mid 30's or so looking for a stable relationship. Which, ironically, is very Ted Mosby. Damnit.


These four are my biggest resolutions and are the ones I'd like to accomplish as quickly as possible. Hopefully being able to see this post everytime I come here keeps a reminder and a bit of healthy pressure on me. Hopefully you all have some resolutions that you can accomplish! If you need a helpful (and badgering...) person to remind you of them then let me know! Good luck!

Till next time.

Tragedy to Triumph

So, I have standing plans to sit down and hang out with a group of guys every Tuesday. It's a nice getaway from all the things going on in life. We sit down around a table and play some board games, roll some dice, shoot the shit about anything and just unwind. These plans have been at the same time, every week, since 2005 or 2006. I know, I know, it's another pattern of the same thing but this is something I can't see myself getting rid of. It's just something that has been a constant in my life for multiple years now that I can always count on. I get to laugh, learn some new fun facts and just be somewhere comfortable and inundated from lifes stresses for a few hours each week.

So, that was my night tonight. I've had a little rough week so far. Calling and calling a superior at work who both won't pick up my calls and doesn't return my messages. That's only a minor annoyance though. Another thing on my plate has been sorting through the things my uncle left to me before he passed. I'm by no means bad at processing these kind of emotions at all so I've been able to get through it with only a few tears. It's just a lot to hold on the shoulders while I deal with it and shrug it off. So, being able to relax with these guys has been able to bring me back to an earlier time when all I had to worry about were essays, what to spend my money on and if I'd win whatever game we might play that night.

Along with that has been a thought I've been turning into a positive. If you're following me on Facebook you might have seen a status of mine recently where I asked if anyone else had woken up wondering if the day was their last. It's kind of topical because of the unfortunate shootings and violence recently (Side note? I'm gonna try to stay away from these sort of topics) and I wanted to see if that thought had started to creep into anyone's head like it had mine. I've dealt with a few very unfortunate deaths recently and it's done what death has done for me a lot as I grow older. It's given me new perspective.

I woke up the day after my uncle passed wondering if that day I might die. That I might get hit by a car or bus or otherwise been unfortunately taken away from this life. And instead of letting it cripple me? I decided to live life like my uncle had before he found out about any of his problems that would lead to his death. Each time Jay (my uncle) would come up from Texas to visit he'd tell me about his time in Italy or backpacking through Europe or any of the hundreds of stories that trump just living in Kansas. I decided to let it guide my head and heart in decisions for growth. I'm submitting writing online to several sources, using resources that family and friends have been able to open for me, unafraid to take risks at work to advance and am looking at travel plans.

I'm letting his life and death inspire me more. Jay passed on very young in life (only 44 years old) but he lived more life in those years than almost anyone else I know. You're not gonna know when your time is gonna come and when those things you always put off are just off the table forever. At this point I've said it a couple times in varying forms but I wanna say it again; Don't be afraid of what you can do. Don't be afraid of failing at something you really wanna try. Lifes not going to stand still and wait for you to get over this fear over the course of years. Grab life by the fucking shoulders and shake it. Do what you wanna do! Be courageous! It's what I plan on doing from here on out.

Till next time