It's hard to let the past go. That's a fact that I've known for a long time (as most people do also). Knowing that and actually letting things go though? Two whole different animals. Shoot, I have a hard enough time letting it go when people get two inches from my bumper in traffic, people cut me off mid-sentence or just a million other minor interactions that happen each day. Don't get me wrong, I can act like I've moved on fairly well and sometimes even convince myself it's the truth. But then I'm not around people or the person or thing I'm pissed off at is gone and it's anger all over again.
I realize this kind of flies in the face of dealing with people passing on well. Or would seem like it might anyway, I get that. But they're completely different categories in the loopdy loo that makes up the pathway of my head. Just today I remembered things that happened last year or longer ago and spent the latter half of my day rolling through memories and generally not being a fun person to be around. When you're at work and the new guy and people are noticing how bad of a mood you're in? Probably not the best thing in the world. I called on some friends to help me out a bit and have been able to be less of a jerk tonight.
And it's not just the bad stuff that's hard to let go of. Sometimes you really, REALLY want something to be real again and you know it never will be but you act irrational. Your brain and heart tag team to beat reason into submission with some kind of emotional steel chair and you're stuck thinking on things. How good something seemed even though it wasn't, how bad something was when it's over and done with or a million other situations that are dead and gone. Trying to put them in a little mental box to go away doesn't work a lot of the time. Think of them like the box of Christmas lights you pull out around the same time each year. They're broken up and getting older each time but some part of you hangs onto them with fervor and some stubborn defiance to let them go and get new ones.
I guess part of it's being a little scared of losing it forever. But letting something go may seem like you lose it forever (and for some people thats the point) but for me it's learning to move on and grow. It becomes a part of you on a level that helps you mature as a person to meet the things coming to you. Life doesn't ever slow down and that something I've had to realize the hard way a few times in the last couple years. You can fight tooth and nail to hold onto things like they're your port in a storm when really? You have to accept the tide and roll with it. Don't let it swallow you up because you're living in the past. Let it wash over you and shape you into the strong, great person life and it's trials and tribulations are trying to turn you into.
My lesson for today? Letting go of all these feelings while still letting them help me mature. I'm on the first step...But it was the hardest. I'm making changes and growing on my way to 'adulthood'. It's scary and I could use some backup. Help me out?
Till next time.
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