Jumping the gun a bit.

I want to be able to make myself accountable for some New Years Resolutions for once and figured writing them out here (and early) would help me out. So, not gonna write so much on this post. Sorry to all of my four readers! Haha.

1. Make more time to get out and exercise on a plan. I've gotten really complacent in a very sedentary life style and it's time to turn that around. Along with this it's time to drop sodas and eating off the diet.

2. Begin shipping out more and more writing for editting. Also look for a place to get my foot in the door to work with someone on getting published on a wider scale.

3. Settle down all my travel plans early. Set aside a bit more money, set up lodging plans and whatever bookings we'll need.

4. Stop being so Mosby. I get the connection but I need to not spend until my mid 30's or so looking for a stable relationship. Which, ironically, is very Ted Mosby. Damnit.


These four are my biggest resolutions and are the ones I'd like to accomplish as quickly as possible. Hopefully being able to see this post everytime I come here keeps a reminder and a bit of healthy pressure on me. Hopefully you all have some resolutions that you can accomplish! If you need a helpful (and badgering...) person to remind you of them then let me know! Good luck!

Till next time.

Tragedy to Triumph

So, I have standing plans to sit down and hang out with a group of guys every Tuesday. It's a nice getaway from all the things going on in life. We sit down around a table and play some board games, roll some dice, shoot the shit about anything and just unwind. These plans have been at the same time, every week, since 2005 or 2006. I know, I know, it's another pattern of the same thing but this is something I can't see myself getting rid of. It's just something that has been a constant in my life for multiple years now that I can always count on. I get to laugh, learn some new fun facts and just be somewhere comfortable and inundated from lifes stresses for a few hours each week.

So, that was my night tonight. I've had a little rough week so far. Calling and calling a superior at work who both won't pick up my calls and doesn't return my messages. That's only a minor annoyance though. Another thing on my plate has been sorting through the things my uncle left to me before he passed. I'm by no means bad at processing these kind of emotions at all so I've been able to get through it with only a few tears. It's just a lot to hold on the shoulders while I deal with it and shrug it off. So, being able to relax with these guys has been able to bring me back to an earlier time when all I had to worry about were essays, what to spend my money on and if I'd win whatever game we might play that night.

Along with that has been a thought I've been turning into a positive. If you're following me on Facebook you might have seen a status of mine recently where I asked if anyone else had woken up wondering if the day was their last. It's kind of topical because of the unfortunate shootings and violence recently (Side note? I'm gonna try to stay away from these sort of topics) and I wanted to see if that thought had started to creep into anyone's head like it had mine. I've dealt with a few very unfortunate deaths recently and it's done what death has done for me a lot as I grow older. It's given me new perspective.

I woke up the day after my uncle passed wondering if that day I might die. That I might get hit by a car or bus or otherwise been unfortunately taken away from this life. And instead of letting it cripple me? I decided to live life like my uncle had before he found out about any of his problems that would lead to his death. Each time Jay (my uncle) would come up from Texas to visit he'd tell me about his time in Italy or backpacking through Europe or any of the hundreds of stories that trump just living in Kansas. I decided to let it guide my head and heart in decisions for growth. I'm submitting writing online to several sources, using resources that family and friends have been able to open for me, unafraid to take risks at work to advance and am looking at travel plans.

I'm letting his life and death inspire me more. Jay passed on very young in life (only 44 years old) but he lived more life in those years than almost anyone else I know. You're not gonna know when your time is gonna come and when those things you always put off are just off the table forever. At this point I've said it a couple times in varying forms but I wanna say it again; Don't be afraid of what you can do. Don't be afraid of failing at something you really wanna try. Lifes not going to stand still and wait for you to get over this fear over the course of years. Grab life by the fucking shoulders and shake it. Do what you wanna do! Be courageous! It's what I plan on doing from here on out.

Till next time

Why can't we have seven day weekends?!

Sitting here on a Monday night reminds me of being younger. When I was a kid I -hated- weeknights. They were so boring! Come home, do some homework I hated and then wait around the house or play outside for a bit. The only freedom from the neighborhood was when someone who could drive had an errand to run. It felt like being in some kind of secluded zombie apocalypse camp or the like. Leaving for even a few minutes was a lifeline to the real world! You got to see faces that were different and have some fun.

And man, the weekends? That was the salvation, the freaking light at the end of the tunnel that was the work week. Everyone was free to go out and do things, to have fun and just not need to worry about homework, work, projects of any kind. It was the time to let loose and have fun! Blow off all the steam that built up during school or work and just let loose. Run around a friends place, play some football or whatever sport you like and just go bonkers (Not the lame store...)! Even as a kid I noticed that older people, adults and teenagers sometimes, weren't as fun on the weekend. They wanted to plant their butt somewhere and just talk or watch something. Never wanted to run around town, play a game or do much movement of any kind! Very, very lame am I right?

Now, that realization I had this past weekend. I'm not old per se but I'm older. I understand more and more the want to take it easy on the weekends. I work during the week, drive and do errands for family and friends, go out and have drinks and any number of other responsibilites on my time I've chosen or been chosen for. The weekends have more and more become times where I want to rest and take it easy. Let my mind take a break while my body holds a couch or chair down. They don't call Sunday the day of rest for nothing, right? When I was younger it never made sense to be so lazy and not be go go go all the time. But each year older I get? I understand more and more.

So, for anyone I ever gave grief for being a lazybones when I was a snot nosed kid with too much energy? My apologies. I get it noooow. Weekends are what you earn during the week for all those hours put in. And for my future kid(s)? We're going to have a long talk about weekends when you finally understand words. Until then? Go bug you mom!

Till next time!

Today was a good day.

It's hard to let the past go. That's a fact that I've known for a long time (as most people do also). Knowing that and actually letting things go though? Two whole different animals. Shoot, I have a hard enough time letting it go when people get two inches from my bumper in traffic, people cut me off mid-sentence or just a million other minor interactions that happen each day. Don't get me wrong, I can act like I've moved on fairly well and sometimes even convince myself it's the truth. But then I'm not around people or the person or thing I'm pissed off at is gone and it's anger all over again.

I realize this kind of flies in the face of dealing with people passing on well. Or would seem like it might anyway, I get that. But they're completely different categories in the loopdy loo that makes up the pathway of my head. Just today I remembered things that happened last year or longer ago and spent the latter half of my day rolling through memories and generally not being a fun person to be around. When you're at work and the new guy and people are noticing how bad of a mood you're in? Probably not the best thing in the world. I called on some friends to help me out a bit and have been able to be less of a jerk tonight.

And it's not just the bad stuff that's hard to let go of. Sometimes you really, REALLY want something to be real again and you know it never will be but you act irrational. Your brain and heart tag team to beat reason into submission with some kind of emotional steel chair and you're stuck thinking on things. How good something seemed even though it wasn't, how bad something was when it's over and done with or a million other situations that are dead and gone. Trying to put them in a little mental box to go away doesn't work a lot of the time. Think of them like the box of Christmas lights you pull out around the same time each year. They're broken up and getting older each time but some part of you hangs onto them with fervor and some stubborn defiance to let them go and get new ones.

I guess part of it's being a little scared of losing it forever. But letting something go may seem like you lose it forever (and for some people thats the point) but for me it's learning to move on and grow. It becomes a part of you on a level that helps you mature as a person to meet the things coming to you. Life doesn't ever slow down and that something I've had to realize the hard way a few times in the last couple years. You can fight tooth and nail to hold onto things like they're your port in a storm when really? You have to accept the tide and roll with it. Don't let it swallow you up because you're living in the past. Let it wash over you and shape you into the strong, great person life and it's trials and tribulations are trying to turn you into.

My lesson for today? Letting go of all these feelings while still letting them help me mature. I'm on the first step...But it was the hardest. I'm making changes and growing on my way to 'adulthood'. It's scary and I could use some backup. Help me out?


Till next time.

I was born a...rambling man?

Each week, usually multiple times, I go to Old Chicago here in Topeka with a group of other nerdy friends and we bullshit with each other about anything that comes to mind for hours. A lot of people I invite get frustrated because we go there so often and I get that. But nerds, and people in general really, are creatures of habit. Not too long ago we all went to that restraunt for the first time and had a blast while befriending a large amount of the staff. It's easy and comfortable to go there because it's got good vibes attached.

Anywho, I was at this fine establishment a few days ago. We were on the same course of how each time goes; talking rapid-fire about whatever comes up, telling old stories we've told a thousand times and generally acting like fools. After a few people took off my buddies Jim, Justin and I got to some nerdier issues. Jim and I both enjoy writing so we both talked about stepping it up even more in that department and trying to stay on schedule. Well, comes around to actual planning (which nerds are good at and only sometimes follow through) and I started to think about where I'm at in life where I wanted to be. Y'know, I don't do bad for myself at 24. I get to see my friends all the time and laugh almost every minute we hang out, play some games with them and throw back some drinks. However, the younger Kyle in me was laughing at me for not being somewhere on the map for writing by now.

I did NaNoWriMo for the first time this year and it was an uphill battle. If you don't know about that then I'll fill you in a bit; Nation Novel Writing Month is something you do in November. You have to keep on schedule writing each day and the goal is to hit fifty thousand words without stopping to edit or deleting anything. It's rough. I was able to slough through and write something and I'm proud of myself for that. Doing this combined with reflecting on my writing career as it is now put a lot in perspective for me. I'm a nerd and I have a pattern that I could see being okay with for a long time. But Thursday night while talking to these guys has helped push me to realize I -have- to keep writing and sending everything out.

I had been writing on whims when I had ideas for stuff. From here on I'm on a set schedule and am sending things out to people who are willing to read, rip the mistakes to shreds and help me grow. My uncle is the first person who's been really helping me out by reading it himself and sending it out to a friend with experience. It's not where I thought I'd be when I was ten and decided to be a writer but it's where I'm starting. Breaking out of my pattern and trying to throw some things to the wall to see what sticks.

Who knows, maybe one day I'll be famous for writing something that tween girls love and make stacks of cash on the movie deals. If I do? Giant party and all the beers, rooms, food and whatever else on me!

Till next time!

It comes in 3's

In my family we (sister, brother and I) have been brought up to be somewhat tougher skinned and inundated to death. Since I can remember we've faced death in the family on a regular schedule. As you can probably imagine, learning about death so young was a fairly harrowing bit of news. Actually, I should back up and add in a little bit of information before going on. My mother has always been a home health nurse and this means she's around a lot of elderly or sickly folks and helps them manage their days as best as possible with a smile on her face and kind words for people knocking on Deaths door. It's a pretty thankless job a lot of the time. She's faced plenty of people who weren't ready to go and were sometimes very, very cruel to her and any of us who helped out because they were scared. As she's worked throughout my life so far a lot have passed on, peacefully or no.

Like I started to say, my family has had many a bout with Death and dealing with the feelings associated with passing on and dealing with whats left behind someone going. My mother and father sat all of us down when the time came and explained that it's something natural and it can come at any time. That it's okay to be shocked, saddened, angry and so many more emotions than you can even begin to count. I develop bonds with people pretty quickly and have ever since I was a child. If I liked someone even a bit I would treat them as a friend. I was around my mom's clients and family a lot as could be expected when you're a kid (Well, the family portion anyway. Being around clients is kind of specific. I'm losing my point a bit here.

I develop bonds with people. Okay. When I was a kid my granny would always be in the hospital and I never really understood why she never came out of it. All I knew is that she was sweet, always happy to see me and willing to tolerate my little minds rambles from behind her IV's and under a flimsy hospital sheet. We'd visit her every week and it was the first weekly event I'd ever look forward to. Then there was one week we didn't go. I was asking why we weren't leaving to see her and if we were going another day. I'd come running back in and keep repeating it. Hoping that I'd wear my parents down and that we'd go already! We didn't go.

The next morning I remember waking up and starting over again. "When are we going? Can we go now?" Finally, my dad told me to get into the car and we left. I was excited. I'd won! We were going to see gran, who would listen to me, tell me jokes and how special I was. We didn't go to the hospital to see her. We went to see my mom at work. She took a break while her client then slept and sat down with my dad to give me the talk they'd given my brother and sister. They told me gran had passed on yesterday. That it was going to be hard to understand, it would hurt for a time but that we can feel good in our memories. That she's in a better place and able to look down on everyone. And that the feeling I got everytime I saw her didn't have to go away because I couldn't see her. That she's always around and I couldn't get rid of her if I tried to.
That was my first brush with Death. I'll remember that speech till the day I go too.

People can be taken in a moment whether you're prepared or not. They can be stricken with disease that eats at them, struck by a vehicle or just grabbed away in millions of other ways. You're never really prepared for it to come to you or come for you. This year has been a whirlwind of death for my family. We lost my niece recently, my dad was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma and given a sentence of time left and my favorite Uncle (I know, you shouldn't play favorites but this is my blog) Jay is laying in a bed withering away as we speak. It's heavy. Death always comes with that weight and it doesn't get easier to lift it up. As I think of him waiting there I'm filled with a bit of sadness but also relieved somewhat. His pain is coming to an end and he'll be able to rest in peace.

As I sit here and think on all this tragedy and loss I'm glad I've learned the lessons that came with it. I'm glad my parents were strong enough to help me learn to cope as I can. I'm sad he's being taken so soon from us just like many people are who truly don't deserve it. I'm leaning hard on the advice they gave me and the advice others have imparted on me after their own bouts with close to home death. This night will be tough but tomorrow I'll be thankful his pain is over and that I'll be able to look back on his life and times with me and smile. I'll be able to look to the sky and see him and nothing can change that.

If I can pass on anything to you all from reading this post it's this; Treasure time with people you love because it goes faster than you can blink. Don't hesistate to say the things you feel and always, always find time to come together with family whether its friends who are as close as family or your blood.

I love each and every one of my friends and family no matter what. Have a happy and stress free Thanksgiving. Squeeze people close and smile often.

Till next time.

It's...1:30 A.M. and I want to write

So, I went ahead and got Spotify after my buddy Marvin had told me just how much he liked it. This had to be...two or three months ago now. I'm sitting here after just finishing up writing a chapter in the newest idea I had and it dawned on me, for about the millionth time, how much we all listen to music these days. Not too long ago you'd have to sit around a radio the whole family shared and listen to something you maybe didn't like but shouldered because it was fun to listen to and better than hearing the paint dry.

But now? We have iPhones with multiple playlists to call up at a moments notice, tablets and computers with tons of legally, or pirated if you are brave enough, music we get by the album or discography just to have. Have you ever stopped to think about this? Where people would sit around one single radio and listen to a story crafted by someone or lyrics poured out of someones heart and mind, we all can take a jog or any number of small tasks and have that music become the soundtrack to our life. And yea, its gone downhill by some peoples standards but it's still pure creativity. It had to be designed, crafted, poured over and the lyrics were crafted from someones experiences, their hopes, their dreams and all for us to enjoy it while we walk to the market, jog around the lake, drive our cars, lounge around our homes. It's amazing!

Not to mention the podcasts, live coverage of concerts and events or e-books we can take with us. What started with the ability to make music more and more accessible and on the go has turned into being able to narrate a majority of your waking life with pure creative endeavors. I'd like to say I had some grandiose point or statement to make here but I am just always fascinated with things that we're all starting to take for granted more and more as we're spoiled. It's a great time to be alive and out in the world. Each day we spin on this big blue marble more and more choices open up. We just gotta keep an eye out that we don't get swallowed up by the amount of things offered to us and lose sight of how good we got it. Just some, admittedly random, food for thought.

Till next time!

Peer Pressure!

So, for about the 3000th time, I've started a blog. Hopefully this one will stick and not just be an address out there in the series of tubes. I'm pretty self conscious about sharing my writing (and I'm 'supposed' to be a writer!) but seeing my friend Jason give it a go? I might as well hop back into the pool headfirst!

I've had a lot of friends come and go in life. People get busy, things change and friendships gain a little bit of distance in them, no big. But these last few years I've been gaining a lot of perspective on life and the people who walk into and out of yours as you go and I gotta say, I'm a damn lucky man. I've got people who I could call after not talking for months, maybe years, and they're all willing to lend me a supportive ear, a ride home if I'm a little too wastey faced to drive, a couch to sleep on...You get it. They're good people who don't stop continuing to be good people and great friends just because we all get a little too busy working on the Rubik's Cube called 'Life'.

Friends are probably my favorite thing about this life. They accept you at face value and all the stupid things you do as you grow older.  Listen, commiserate, dislike people you do, tolerate and love the people you do and all because of a mutual appreciation and connection that runs deeper than I think most people ever realize. It's ingrained in your mind just to do these things that we do as friends but when you step back and look at it. Truly amazing and a blessing.

This is somewhat sappy so I'm gonna wrap it up shorter than I usually like to post. Long story short, step back and try and see your friends for what they really are and it'll make you appreciate life and it's mysteries. Hopefully you all liked my little rants and I'll try to post somewhat regularly!

Stay frosty!